Moral conundrums

“We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side; one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom preach” – Bertrand Russell

Ah morality my old friend. The choice between right and wrong, to decide whether to side with temptation or truth. It is often obvious which path in life we should lead. The morality of a choice is often poke you in the bellybutton obvious. However that is not always the path that we do take. Indeed I enjoy taking a wander down the odd immoral path every now and then. It makes life that bit more spicy. Saying that though I am generally a moral person, I like to make the people around me happy and occasionally feel that warm glow of a good deed done. And naturally I would like to be a moral best man. But what is it to be a ‘moral’ best man? Judging by Hollywood folklore it means getting JR to the church on time. I will only need to dampen a few last minute nerves and that can be done with a simple ‘memories montage’, a bit of Simply Red in the background and an essential hearty slap on the back.

But is that really the case? Is ensuring that the status quo is maintained the correct moral decision? I am not going to debate the ins and outs of morality, i took a philosophy degree for that, however I am going to question whether simply ensuring that the wedding takes place is always the right decision. Take the following three real life stories. What should the moral best man do?

1) It is the day before the wedding and the BM (best man) and GR (groom) are sitting down having a pint in pub. They are running through the final preparations for the next day, groomsmen are being paired up with rogue grannies and it has been realised that the buttonholes should have been picked up earlier. A handy brother has been dispatched to collect them as the pub dwellers dispatch a few more pints of their own. Once all the business has been concluded talk naturally turns to the future.  Then the GR drops a bombshell of epic proportions. He says that he has been having second thoughts about the wedding. The BM, as any good BM will be, is prepared for this and launches into the ‘it is natural to have pre wedding nerves’ spiel. However he sees the GR shaking his head before admitting that he has been heavily flirting with another woman, who is part of the wedding party, for the last two months. Nothing has happened but they have both said that if the situation was different that they would like to try and get together. What does the BM do? Options i) Help arrange an escape for the GR ii) Try to talk the GR into still getting married iii) Tell the bride iv) Get them to the altar!

2) The BM is in the lucky position of knowing both the GR and the blushing bride extremely well as they grew up together. Aged six he remembers them both playing ‘show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ only for the bride to get cold feet and leaving the GR with his wedding tackle out in the middle of the playground. The BM organises a brilliant stag night, a heavy day of paintballing goes well and they head off for V.I.P. entry into a nightclub. After hitting the shot bar they decide to show off their excellent dance moves on the floor. A blonde soon starts dancing with the GR but BM thinks little of it, it is his last night freedom, let him have a little fun. After all what happens on the stag do stays on the stag do right? When he returns from one of his many trips to the toilet he finds that the GR has disappeared as has the blonde. He tries to get in touch with the GR but to no avail. The next morning the GR turns up sheepishly at the hotel with three hickies and a tall tale. He eventually admits to the BM what has happened; one night of passionate debauchery which he swears will never happen again. What does the BM do? Options i) what happens on the stag do stays on the do, tell no-one ii) Talk the GR into telling the bride by asking him if he could look his childhood sweetheart in the eye iii) Tell the bride, after all she is also one of his best friends iv) Get them to the altar!

3) The BM says it is surprising seeing how loved up the GR is. Flowers and chocolates are showered on the bride; they are permanently attached at the hip and do nothing without asking the other. They got engaged after three months. The BM is happy for his mate however he admits to his friends that it feels like he has lost his best friend. The day before the wedding the BM takes the GR out for a curry and talk turns to the big day. Much as in the first story it has been realised that buttonholes have been forgotten, I’m noticing a trend here, and also that the GR has managed to lose his speech. After quickly penning a new version the BM turns the conversation to the bride. The GR grins and begins gushing about how much he loves her, the BM couldn’t quite remember exactly what was said but said that he remembered a plethora of flower analogies. The BM then asked the million dollar question; “but will you for the rest of your life”? Here the GR faltered. He began questioning a lot of things; I love her now, but will I for ever? Did I rush into this after all we’ve only known each other three months? What if I meet someone else? Is she really the one? What if I’m making a huge mistake? Much as in Friends he has a Chandler Bing style freak out. What should the BM do? Options i) Give the GR a slap and tell him to stop being silly ii) Tell the GR to have a chat with the bride about this, see if she is feeling the same and maybe postpone the wedding iii) Help the GR to escape, possible involving a hot air balloon and speedboat iv) Get them to the altar!

Now it is not my place to judge but personally I do not think that the solution to all of the above situations is the same. The whole idea of ‘get them to the church’ does not always seem to hold true. Should the best man keep his mouth shut if he finds out that the GR is a cheat? Is the best mans only moral responsibility whether or not the wedding day passes off successfully? Or does it encompass more than that? In this humble best mans opinion my personal moral conscience would not simply cover the wedding day itself. If I did not think that a couple was right for each other, and about to commit to marriage, then I think that I would be morally obliged to say something. This is especially true if I knew one of the pair to be unfaithful.

But that is just me. Every person is different and not every situation is the same. If a groom has picked you to be their best man that means that they understand and trust your moral compass, alongside the other essential qualities of a best friend. If you morally think that something should be done, and that importantly the groom would objectively believe the same, then it is probably the right decision.

This is what happened in the above cases;

1) The best man took the second option and stuck to his guns. He tried to talk the groom into going through with the wedding because the other woman was simply a passing phase. However the groom rejected his advice and called off the wedding. He got together with the ‘other women’ and split up after two months.

2) The best man took the first option and did nothing. The wedding went perfectly and they had two children. Three weeks after the second child was born it came out that he had had a string of affairs. They split up and the best man is now in a relationship with the bride.

3) The best man took the second option. The bride was also feeling the same however they decided to go ahead with the wedding anyway. They have been happily married for the last six years and have three children.

Did any the best men make the right decision? What would you have done?

Next week; important things a best man should carry on the day.

DO NOT FORGET THE RING!

Major planning; hiding and smiling

First major role fulfilled as best man this week! Dearest JR managed to get himself in a JR style muddle however my quick thinking (relatively) and calm manner (slightly inebriated when came up with conclusion) managed to diffuse a potential situation. Was very proud of myself. However knowing JR to be the lovable yet disorganised person that he is I am sure there will be plenty more situations that he will need extracting from. 

This week I will look at the joy of wedding and meal rehearsals. Now the pre wedding dinner does not tend to happen as much in this country. Indeed one of the only things that tends to be organised in advance, food and speeches apart, is the seating plan. Indeed the wedding meal, and following festivities, is a fluid period, one where an uncle feels at home making impromptu speeches and people have that awkward moment when they realise that the person they are eyeing up are possibly distantly related. The seating plan is a highly contentious part of the wedding planning stage and one which I would advise all best men to be in no way involved in. After all it is unlikely that you know all the people at the wedding and the inevitable family feuds that are currently ongoing. That is a ready made excuse for you. The best man would not want to give bad advice now would he! However there are three top tips you can give the lucky couple:

1) Ensure that tables consist of a good balance of people, not simply those that are from the same side of the family. For example if there is an uncle from the grooms side and a cousin on the brides side both in the construction industry then it could work with them sitting on the same table. However divorced couples, especially if bringing new partners, should be kept apart as a general rule of thumb. At the same time it would be advisable that if some people tend to drink more, students, then they should be grouped happily together in a corner, near the bar preferably!

2) Ensure that the tables are neither too big nor too small. Websites generally advise a table of around 9 people, any smaller and you get logistical issues fitting everyone in. Any bigger and the table can feel disorganised with people unable to hear each other. Also if there is a buffet for the wedding meal having groups of around 10 going up to get food can work out nicely compared to a large crowd or it being very bitty and confusing.

3) The top table should be as the happy couple want not how they feel they should have it. Traditionally the top table is long and rectangular across the room enabling them to have a good view of everyone; prime people watching position! There are many different formations for the top table and I have put a link at the bottom of this blog to a good website with examples. However it is traditional for the middle four to consist of, from left to right, bride’s mother, groom, bride, groom’s father. They will then be flanked by the other mother, father and then flanked again by maid of honour and best man. So when JR and DP get flustered i will be sure to remind them that all they need to do is have it how they want it. JR does not have the easiest of family arrangements so whatever happens someone’s nose will be put out of joint. Just as long as I’m on the top table i will be happy, they get served food first!

It is also important to make sure that the couple have decided on how to organise the receiving line if they intend to have one. Ensure that they have decided on a good place for it so that guests can easily walk into the dining area. Not via three left turns, one right, left by the pond and then up the stairs just to ensure that the line is in a picturesque location! 

A receiving line happens just before everyone is seated at the wedding meal. All the wedding guests file in past the bride and groom, shake hands and do the congratulations before sitting down to eat. It is traditional for the receiving line to consist of whoever is sitting at the top table which includes the best man. However if there is a large amount of people to be seated then the receiving line can consist simply of the bride and groom to save time, shaking two hands takes a lot less time than eight! If the best man is in the line then it is a good idea to have additional groomsmen ensuring a smooth flow of the line. They should keep an especial eye on elderly grandparents and help them jump the line if needs be. However they should abuse this power simply if one of the wedding guests happens to be particularly good looking.

The wedding rehearsal is an essential part of the pre wedding preparations. It is often organised as close to the wedding as possible so as to ensure that as many people as possible are free. Luckily for us JR and DP’s parents are both from the area so hopefully this should not be too difficult to organise. I also intend to be unemployed still by then so will be around! However if people are not available then ensure that spaces are left for them and that whoever they are paired up with is paying extra special attention.

There are many different variations of the wedding procession however traditionally it leads with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom. After they have been seated then the brides party will enter led by the bridesmaids, then the maid of honour with any flower girls before the bride enters with her father. Bridesmaids and the maid of honour will mirror the groom’s side which are already standing there.  The father of the bride will then pass the bride to the groom. 

Throughout this the best man will, normally, be stood facing the procession on the groom’s left hand side. Other groomsmen will be arranged on your left fighting for the more glamorous spot nearer the groom. Ensure you keep your position at all times to avoid a coup. On the day we do have the easy part! No fear of stumbling down the aisle, or standing on a bridal train, just standing still and smiling. Easy street. That is unless JR is feeling nervous then I may have to do some more calming down. It is important to double check his appearance, nerves often makes the groom warm and sweaty. Ensure he is not dripping with sweat and also that he has not undone his collar. However you would imagine that this would not happen at the wedding rehearsal, if it is then it seems likely you may have a runner on your hands!

A word on the rings. Statistically the best man does not lose the ring, that dubious honour falls to the maid of honour. Eight out of ten lost wedding rings are due to them. The most common piece of advice I have seen so far is that, unless there is a ring bearer, the best man should actually wear the wedding ring on one finger. That finger should then be curled up to ensure the ring does not fall off. The maid of honour also should do this however it is likely that the ring will be too big for her smaller fingers hence her losing it. Do not keep the ring in a bag, easily put down and forgotten, or in a pocket which will invariably have a hole in it. Or, and this I find to be a better idea, ensure that said pockets have no holes in them. I don’t know about you but surely a wedding ring is something special, almost sacred in it composition and meaning. It signifies everything about the bride and groom, it symbolises the unification of their love. Would they really want it to have been on the grubby best mans finger before? Personally I would not like that idea, if you do decide to go for this approach though I advise you ask permission first.

Anyway the wedding procession is a good time to make sure you have your plan of attack sorted. Also take the opportunity to familiarise yourself with the venue, find the toilets, do they have disable access? Where is there parking near the venue if people are struggling? Where is the nearest pub, in case JR is struggling!

The other important function a wedding, or indeed meal, rehearsal can fulfil is it may be the first time you meet the bride’s parents. Naturally you may have met them before if you are also close friends with the bride but if not then now is your chance to make good impression. Remember you are the ‘best’ man; you are your friend’s representation of everything that he believes should be encompassed in a man. You are representing the kind of person he likes to hang out with. You are the best of the best, the top dog, the closest friend; you are essential to helping him be loved by his new family. Do not screw this up! Do not stand like a mute afraid to open your mouth for the fear of cocking up. Small talk, do it. Compliment the venue. Compliment the bride. Compliment anything and everything that the mother of the bride seems to like. Find out before if the father of the bride likes football, if so then mention last nights match. Be helpful, polite and humorous. After all, that will be your role on the wedding day, time to get some practice in. Also take the opportunity to get some inside gossip on the bride’s family. Who does not like who, who may need help getting to the table and such like. Oh, and for gods sake make sure you learn their names!

I have had the pleasure of briefly meeting DPs parents. I have been to her house a couple of times and have so far not been drunk in front of them. Therefore i believe i am currently in the acceptable zone, indeed hopefully they do not even remember anything about me. However i am fairly sure the one time that i met DPs mum she returned home to find me munching on the apple she was looking forward to having. Small things stick in the memory.

Next week will be a look into the maze is that is ‘moral’ support.

DO NOT FORGET THE RING

http://www.weddingchaos.co.uk/TheOrganising/wedding-seating-plan.asp

Guys and suits...

Excellent, the stag do is now perfectly planned. I will admit it is only in my head, currently squashed behind how the hell I managed to burn rice, however I am certain that things will come as quickly as an inebriated uncle gravitates to a dance floor.  I will be seeing JR over Christmas so we shall probably throw a few ideas around then over a pint or four. Will also see the other groomsmen then, once JR reminds me who they are, and no doubt they will have some over excited/ambitious ideas to add to the pile. So if I put the stag do on the back burner for awhile it’s probably important for me to have a look at some of my other duties to attend too before the big day.

Now the other major organisational feat will be getting everyone together for a suit fitting. Before I talk about this it is probably important for you guys to get an idea about my situation. Currently I am living in Brighton studying to become a journalist, hence the blog, and I finish my stupidly intense course in February. After that I am hoping to stay down here if i can get a job however if I’m offered something elsewhere then I’ll move wherever the money is. I’m originally from the East Midlands and the wedding will be happening in Lincolnshire or Rutland (yes it is a county and what do you mean you have never heard of it!) JR is currently living near Nottingham and his groomsman brother is a sponging student, jealous, at Leeds Uni. The other groomsman is currently near them but, like me, won’t really know where he will be based till nearer the time.

So basically what I’m saying is that we will all be spread around the country doing different jobs and working various shift patterns. And somehow I will need to co-ordinate all this to get people in one place for suit fittings. Reading that back I have promptly given myself a metaphorical and physical slap. Man up Ben! This is more than doable, sort a date out suitably in advance and then get bullying, job done. It appears that I am the only awkward one as well! Also if JR chooses a national chain then we can pop into individual shops around the country to get our fittings done.

Option one; to buy or to rent? The main pro of buying a suit or tuxedo is that will last for a lifetime. Every time the suit is pulled on it will remind you of that good day. Importantly though this could be an excuse to splash out a bit. At the wedding you will want to feel good, and I mean really good. Why not buy a suit a couple of grades more expensive than normal? But can we all afford to splash out at the same time?  If the groom is buying and intends to match attire with the groomsmen then this means that we will need to buy as well. Surely if we rent it will be cheaper and less hassle. Packages online can sort the party out from around £50 pp upwards if it is returned in one piece. However the hassle of renting can be quite excessive and if an item goes missing then fines can be extortionate. Get an outfit for life and you won’t need to hire again. Knowing JR I expect he will want to hire but he may change his mind if his pay rise comes through!

Option two; match or contrast? Should the groomsmen wear the same as the groom or should they contrast in style and/or colour? A quick Google, as per usual, offers differing opinions. Matching shows a sense of solidarity, the groomsmen are there to support the groom on his day and help run the whole event. By wearing the same suit they are easily identifiable as being part of the wedding party and showing their credentials. Indeed Google images have evidence of terrible fashion faux pas with contrasting groom and groomsmen; one dapper looking fellow has dressed his groomsmen in pink suits. Yes humorous, but at a wedding, really? I was honoured to be an usher at my sisters wedding and the groom decided on a nice mixed approach. We all wore the same suit but the groom wore a purple cravat whilst we wore a white version. So contrasting can be done subtly. This will be one of JRs big decision. Last time I spoke to him he seemed to be edging towards matching suits but with the groomsmen wearing various garish ties; his phrasing was ‘a rainbow effect’ I believe. I am still unsure how I feel about this.

Option 3; Tuxedo or suit? I can happily admit that not only am I colour confused but also lacking in any sense of style. Therefore this will be another decision for JR. It is a myth that only girls imagine what their wedding day will look like. Guys also have been known to daydream, in a manly manner of course, about their wedding and how it will look. So it depends upon what image JR has in his head. Does he want a James Bond tuxedo or a Jaws Moonraker suit? Sinatra or Jude Law? Symphony orchestra musician or businessman! When the decision has been made which way to swing then there is another important choice and that is what style to go for. If you choose the latter do you go for a tailcoat, morning suit or lounge style? A classic tuxedo or modern fit? How many buttons? Waistcoat or not? The list goes on. Luckily there are experienced fitters within most shops to help with these decisions. It is advised that the groom has a fairly good idea of what he wants before everyone meets up. We will all accede to his decision as it is the only time he will ever get to dress us in what he wants! However I would like to take this opportunity to remind him that at some point in the future I also intend to get married. If he intends to take liberties then it should be pointed out that I have a long memory.

Option 4; Flowers or pocket squares? A more minor decision but still an important one. A boutonniere is possibly the only time in his life a man will voluntarily wear a flower. More than likely it is probably the only time in the wedding the groom will have anything to do with the flowers! It should be worn on the left lapel and if it matches the bridesmaid’s dresses it is a nice touch. If wearing a boutonniere is not to the style then a simple pocket square can suffice. One piece of advice though; if wearing a boutonniere do not wear it in the car as a seat belt will rub on it.

So there are loads of decisions for the groom to make but thankfully few for the best man. All I have to do is help co-ordinate which day to do a suit fitting on. That is unless JR decides to do an online package then he may delegate to me to get everyone’s measurements. Fashion sorted then. Importantly if we shop in traditional guy manner, quickly, then we might even be able to fit in a sneaky pint afterwards.

DO NOT FORGET THE RING

Useful websites:

http://mensfashion.thefuntimesguide.com/2009/04/fitted_suit_fitting.php

http://www.groomgroove.com/groomville/groomsmen_tuxedos.php

Planning the stag night part two

After last weeks quite frankly terrifying trawl through everything that needs to be sorted for the stag night I decided to look at the fun stuff this time round; pranks (the good, the bad and the ugly), outfits and the stripper conundrum. 

After I finished my last blog I decided to have a think about what we could/should do based upon the epic list of ideas. Needless to say I got to Gladiator Jousting and started searching for locations. However after giggling for a long while I eventually finished the list and found that I ticked virtually every single possibility. Normally I would say ‘job done’ and move on but as I am a very dedicated best man I decided to go one stop further and consult my old friend Google for help cutting the list down. The excellent stagandhens.com provided this helpful top 10 list: 

1) Paintballing – because guys like shooting each other. It is like Call of Duty but more realistic, oh, and the stag has to dress as a giant rabbit of course.

2) Go-Karting – I am the next Lewis Hamilton and by going go-karting I will prove this. Also JR can’t drive so should be able to kick his ass, in a friendly manner of course.

3) Clay Pigeon Shooting – Like paintballing but without the pain. Watching clay explode, on the rare occasions that you do hit it, is a very satisfying thing to do anyway. Note to self, remember to take glasses this time.

4) Quad bikes – offroading is always a good laugh and quads really will go anywhere. Great fun in the mud especially!

5) Zorbing – Ah New Zealand land of sheep, Orcs and jumping of things in a reckless yet safe manner. Thank you for your latest invention, man + giant inflatable PVC ball + hill = a lot of fun.

6) Target shooting – Really? Why would you go target shooting when you could go clay or paintballing? Just for wusses. Oh yer, I remember, because in our favorite eastern block countries they still allow you to shoot Magnums, Uzis and AK 47s.

7) 4 x 4 off road driving – Like quads but, in my humble opinion, slightly less fun but more expensive. However it is always fun seeing how far you can tilt them before they tip!

8) Surfing – I get the feeling this is one of those do abroad type things.

9) Mud buggies – Yes and yes again. A combination of go karting and quad biking this is perfect for a dirty stag weekend.

10) White water rafting – JRs dislike of water could make this very, very entertaining.

So, time to broach the subject of strippers. Now as a man, for that is what I am, I will admit to being a fan of scantily clad women. I claim it is a genetics or evolution thing but to be quite frank there is nothing to be ashamed of. I quite like the idea of a stripper doing her thing. But my issue is whether I would really want to be in a room full of guys watching a lass doing her thing by writhing over an acutely embarrassed JR. Not really is my answer. So what about a strip joint instead then? A quick Google search tells me that there are many strippers in the U.K. Once I had clicked off images and on to the web page option I found many places all over the country offering specific ‘stag strippers’. Discount strips, themed strips, extreme strips, SFG (safe for girlfriend) strips, educational strips and you can even get an autographed picture of the strip in action if you want to be dumped. A survey by stagandhens.com has shown that 62% of grooms want a stripper at the stag party. Is it just me or did you think that number would be higher?

However the question I need to ask myself, and indeed JR, is whether or not a stripper would suit the stag do. A stripper is not what makes a stag do; they are simply part of the entertainment. Would the stag do be less without a stripper? I do not know, however if JR wants a stripper he gets a stripper. If he does not want a stripper then I save some cash and buy him a few drinks instead. If I buy him enough then I’m sure I could tell him he had a stripper ... now this leads me nicely onto pranks.

Obviously I am not going to say what I intend to do as I know JR and his lovely missus have taken to reading these blogs. However I will put a few ideas out there and mention some stories I’ve found of good pranks and those that have gone wrong.

So what could we do? The most subtly genius prank I found online happened in that crazy place called Sweden. The groom was snatched, as is tradition, by his stags and spent the day skippering a 60ft yacht as he was a keen sailor. Naturally they had the full outfit for him with fake beard and clothing to look the part. They returned home and got ready for the night out by having a customary sauna together. When he looked around he saw that the best man had no pubic hair anymore, nor did the first groomsmen, or the second or the third, in fact none of them had any. The groom had happily been wearing a fake beard all day made out of the groomsmen’s pubic hair. For a picture - http://www.stagsandhens.com/swedish-stag-night-prank.php

An equally devious plan is the following; a medical student had decided to live up to his reputation by working hard and playing harder. He went out for his stag night the evening before his wedding, genius, got extremely merry and wandered home to crash out. His concerned friends convinced him that he would look terrible the next day so he allowed them to put a saline drip in to help him recover. Very thoughtful of them. However when he passed out they put methylene blue into the saline drip which turned his lips and eyes blue. Check out the wedding pictures here - http://www.staginabag.co.uk/default.asp/p=79

Another classic prank involves the groom’s attire. Very simply make sure you distract the groom and separate him from his suitcase. Whilst distracted take all his clothes out and replace with a lovely frilly dress with matching shoes, wouldn’t want it to clash now, for him to wear for the duration of the weekend.

Finally a friend of mine told me of an excellent prank played on a groom. They got him extremely drunk and took him home to pass out. Whilst passed out they put a plaster cast on his leg so it looked like it was broken. When he woke up he was unable to remember his night out and, upon seeing the cast, presumed the worst. Three days later they told him that his leg was not broken and that he should stop using crutches.

As tempting as the first two are I may have to give them a miss. I value my genitalia and the blushing bride and the maid of honor both know how to castrate animals. Therefore I shall stay away from messing with the neck and face. Mind you, perhaps that’s a chance I’ll have to take … especially if I do the stag night awhile before the wedding …

I have also found a few stories of stag nights going badly wrong for the groom. A groom and best man, I believe a dastardly revolt must have happened, were found handcuffed together naked on the verge of the A363. They had both been drenched in eggs, flour and tomato sauce and as the temperatures rose to above 28 Celsius they were both severely sun burnt: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/1407316.stm

There have also been reports of a groom gored on the Pamplona Bull Run, being mugged whilst attached to a lamppost and a broken leg after a “harmless dare.”

However the easiest form of prank to pull will be the fancy dress idea. There are countless websites around offering everything from the Borat mankini to endless willy and bum combinations. A simple Google search will give you a list of endless websites offering outfits. My favorite I’ve seen so far would have to be the Baywatch swimsuit costume though I do not think anyone would really want to see that!

Lastly a note for JR. There are certain internet websites offering advice about how to prepare for a stag night, things to make sure you do and do not do. Let me tell you now I have already read these sites. One bit of advice was to feign a sports injury on your thigh. Have a bandage wrapped around it with a credit card inside. I know that you do not do sport JR, this will not work.

The best thing for you to do is just sit back, smile and enjoy the Mr Ben stag night experience. 

Next week, how the best man should conduct himself during and after the stag night. 

DO NOT FORGET THE RING

If this is a last minute stag night then I suggest - http://www.staginabag.co.uk/default.asp/p=1